I'm lost and stupid without you.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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