he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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