Jerry, you need to find god
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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