I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
