This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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