New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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