I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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