i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
