The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
