i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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