This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
