Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
