I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Randomize
