i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
