i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
