Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
