Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
