i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
