Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
