We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
