Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
