well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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