shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
