I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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