**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
