I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
