In the future we'll all be gay
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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