you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
