Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
