Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So. Much. Porn.
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