: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
