oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
