Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
