I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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