There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
