last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
