Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
