I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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