I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
