Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
