mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
