suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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