I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
