I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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