ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
