i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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