Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I want to make a zoo with you.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
