I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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