I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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