i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
