He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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