the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
