What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
