and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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