I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
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Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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