Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
