mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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